Parenting, Unplugged

  By Jan Pinborough

The Savior spoke four simple words: “Behold your little ones.” The Nephites turned their eyes toward their children. And what followed is among the most sacred events in all of scripture. (See 3 Nephi 17:23-24).

I first experienced “beholding” when my first daughter was a newborn. Her small, insistent cry had awakened me at about midnight, and I was getting ready to feed her when it happened. She opened her eyes wide and looked for several long, precious moments straight into my eyes. As she and I truly “beheld” each other for the first time, I sensed something about the eternal bond we would share.

The study of neurobiology has confirmed the vital importance of parent-child “beholding”. According to neurobiologist Dr. Allan N. Score, the non-verbal communication of “mutual gaze” is essential to the proper development of the infant brain. In later years, this connection remains crucial to the development of the minds, hearts, and spirits of our growing children. 

“Beholding” is not giving a casual, distracted glance. It is the act of attending to another with the heart and mind. It is giving the kind of focused attention that says, “I see you. You are important to me.”

For today’s parents, this kind of beholding often requires the discipline to unplug, a conscious choice to turn away from our screens and turn off our digital devices. It may mean resisting the temptation to check our text messages or scroll through social media posts. It may involve thoughtfully establishing personal and family media rules, setting boundaries that will protect the sacred time that we give to one another in our families daily.

By striving to more fully and more frequently behold our little ones, we will nourish our children’s sense of worth, enrich our relationships with one another, and enjoy more of those sacred moments when we see into the hearts of our children. 

Disconnect and Listen with Love

“The answer to our prayer of how to meet our children’s needs may be to more often technologically disconnect. Precious moments of opportunity to interact and converse with our children dissolve when we are occupied with distractions. Why not choose a time each day to disconnect from technology and reconnect with each other? Simply turn everything off. When you do this, your home may seem quiet at first; you may even feel at a loss as to what to do or say. Then, as you give full attention to your children, a conversation will begin, and you can enjoy listening to each other.” -Rosemary M. Wixom 

What (and What Not) to Say to the Recently Divorced via LDS Living

Tips for being supportive to your friend going through a divorce.

1. Don't say: nothing. 

It is obvious when you know and try to act like you don't. Acknowledge that you know.

2. Do say: "I'm sorry to hear about your divorce," or some other simple, sincere expression of sympathy.

It's just a way for you to let someone know you care. Asking how they are holding up goes a long way as well.

3. Don't say: "What happened?"

Divorces are too painful and complicated for anyone to expect a divorcee to explain or defend their decision. Details are often private. There is no way to neatly summarize.

4. Do say: "I'm here for you if you ever need to talk."

As long as you are willing to follow through on this (and keep everything confidential), it can be nice to know there is a listening ear available.

5. Don't say: "I never thought you two were a good match anyway" or "I never knew what you saw in him/her."

The reality of a love that used to exist can't be negated by this statement. The person is also probably questioning their judgment, as their whole world is being turned around. Don't act like you saw the divorce coming a mile away; that is just hurtful.

6. Do say: "I hope you are both doing okay."

Some divorced people want you to choose sides, but most don't. If you were a friend before the divorce, there is no reason you shouldn't be now.

7. Don't say: "At least you're still sealed together."

This is not a comforting thought for two people who have decided they can't live together anymore. And there is no guarantee that two people will stay that way down the road.

8. Do say: "You are a great person with a lot to offer."

Boost confidence, and be specific. Give hope for finding love again one day.

9. Don't say: "I wonder whose fault it was," "I wonder who left whom," or anything else along those lines. 

It's human nature to speculate, but please be careful, especially if there are children involved. They don't need to hear theories trashing their parents.

10. Do say: "I'm sure you'll do what's best for you and your family. Let me know how I can help."

Don't judge, especially when you don't have all the facts. Be supportive, follow through on the help you offer, and help them do their best to care for their family in this situation.

11. Don't say: "I heard your ex is dating someone who looks just like Cindy Crawford/Brad Pitt."

Nothing like that would boost a new divorcee's self esteem.

12. Do say: Nothing on the matter.

No good can come of it.

13. Don't say: "I know a guy/girl who is divorced. I should set you up."

Don't consider "divorced" as a category where two people could connect.

14. Do say: "When you're ready to start dating, let me know. I have a great guy/girl in mind for you."

The thought of diving back into dating is terrifying, but when the time comes, relying on friends and family to help them get back out there is an easier way to approach it.

15. Don't say: "I'm sure you just want to be left alone."

Family and friends should be a safety net in this difficult time. Don't pull away.

16. Do say: "Would you like to come?"

Recent divorcees may pull away, but it is important to keep offering social connection. They will accept when they are ready.