Parenting, Unplugged

  By Jan Pinborough

The Savior spoke four simple words: “Behold your little ones.” The Nephites turned their eyes toward their children. And what followed is among the most sacred events in all of scripture. (See 3 Nephi 17:23-24).

I first experienced “beholding” when my first daughter was a newborn. Her small, insistent cry had awakened me at about midnight, and I was getting ready to feed her when it happened. She opened her eyes wide and looked for several long, precious moments straight into my eyes. As she and I truly “beheld” each other for the first time, I sensed something about the eternal bond we would share.

The study of neurobiology has confirmed the vital importance of parent-child “beholding”. According to neurobiologist Dr. Allan N. Score, the non-verbal communication of “mutual gaze” is essential to the proper development of the infant brain. In later years, this connection remains crucial to the development of the minds, hearts, and spirits of our growing children. 

“Beholding” is not giving a casual, distracted glance. It is the act of attending to another with the heart and mind. It is giving the kind of focused attention that says, “I see you. You are important to me.”

For today’s parents, this kind of beholding often requires the discipline to unplug, a conscious choice to turn away from our screens and turn off our digital devices. It may mean resisting the temptation to check our text messages or scroll through social media posts. It may involve thoughtfully establishing personal and family media rules, setting boundaries that will protect the sacred time that we give to one another in our families daily.

By striving to more fully and more frequently behold our little ones, we will nourish our children’s sense of worth, enrich our relationships with one another, and enjoy more of those sacred moments when we see into the hearts of our children. 

Disconnect and Listen with Love

“The answer to our prayer of how to meet our children’s needs may be to more often technologically disconnect. Precious moments of opportunity to interact and converse with our children dissolve when we are occupied with distractions. Why not choose a time each day to disconnect from technology and reconnect with each other? Simply turn everything off. When you do this, your home may seem quiet at first; you may even feel at a loss as to what to do or say. Then, as you give full attention to your children, a conversation will begin, and you can enjoy listening to each other.” -Rosemary M. Wixom 

Help Kids Feel Thankful All Year via Good Housekeeping

Reward Gratitude

Put out an empty jar, suggests WE co-founder Craig Kielburger. Whenever your child shows that he's thankful to you or someone else, drop a marble in the jar. When it's full, take him out for a treat.

Put a Pause on Buying

Ask your family to commit to an entire week without excess spending. For example, eat in and play board games instead of your usual Friday night dinner-and-a-movie ritual. You'll have just as much fun, and your children will appreciate the luxury of a night out even more.

Create a Capsule

Each year on the same day (say, a birthday or special anniversary) have your child write what he is thankful for on a slip of paper. Date it, slip it in a plastic bag and bury it in the backyard, says Kielburger. A year later, dig it up. Repeat year after year and watch the gratitude grow!

Written by Alexis Reliford

Excerpts from The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg

Take, for instance, studies from the past decade examining the impacts of exercise on daily routines. When people start habitually exercising, even as infrequently as once a week, they start changing other, unrelated patterns in their lives, often unknowingly. Typically, people who exercise start eating better and becoming more productive at work. They smoke less and show more patience with colleagues and family. They use their credit cards less frequently and say they feel less stressed. It's not completely clear why. But for may people, exercise is a keystone habit that triggers widespread change. "Exercise spills over," said James Prochaska, a University of Rhode Island researcher. "There's something about it that makes other good habits easier."

Studies have documented that families who habitually eat dinner together seem to raise children with better homework skills, higher grades, greater emotional control, and more confidence. Making your bed every morning is correlated with better productivity, a greater sense of well-being, and stronger skills at sticking with a budget. It's not that a family meal or a tidy bed causes better grades or less frivolous spending. But somehow those initial shifts start chain reactions that help other good habits take hold.

If you focus on changing or cultivating keystone habits, you can cause widespread shifts. However, identifying keystone habits is tricky. To find them, you have to know where to look. Detecting keystone habits means searching out certain characteristics. Keystone habits offer what is known within academic literature as "small wins." They help other habits flourish by creating new structures, and they establish new cultures where change becomes contagious.

Small wins are exactly what they sound like, and are part of how keystone habits create widespread changes. A huge body of research has shown that small wins have enormous power, an influence disproportionate to the accomplishments of the victories themselves. "Small wins are steady application of small advantage," one Cornell professor wrote in 1984. "Once a small win has been accomplished, forces are set in motion that favor another small win." Small wins fuel transformative changes by leveraging tiny advantages into patterns that convince people that bigger achievements are within reach.

"Small wins do not combine in a neat, linear, serial form, with each step being a demonstrable step closer to some predetermined goal," wrote Karl Weick, a prominent organizational psychologist. "More common is the circumstance where small wins are scattered. . . .like miniature experiments that test implicit theories about resistance and opportunity and uncover both resources and barriers that were invisible before the situation was stirred up."

Just Chill via Better Homes and Gardens

Meditation is for you! Even if you can't picture sitting perfectly still or completely quieting your brain, you can meditate--and tap into its many health benefits. Keep reading to find a style that's the right fit.

Thanks to an ever-expanding body of research showing an almost endless list of benefits--including lower blood pressure, less anxiety, relief from chronic pain, just to name a few--meditation has truly gone mainstream. Schools are teaching it to kids to help them stress less and perform better; airlines, including Virgin Atlantic and Delta, have in-flight meditation options; and even the United States Marines have offered mindfulness training before deployments.

With so much evidence piling up, why aren't we all booking one-way tickets to the Land of Zen? We can't sit still. Our mind wanders. We're too busy.

Forget the excuses. First off, time isn't truly a barrier, says psychologist Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D., author of Uncovering Happiness: Overcoming Depression with Mindfulness and Self-Compassion. Goldstein's research found that meditating five minutes a day, five days a week was enough to lower stress and even enhance the connection you feel with others.

Second, you don't have to sit completely still at a specific time. "Meditation and mindfulness can be woven throughout your day, wherever you are," Goldstein says. "You might take a mindful walk focusing on your footsteps or pause in your morning shower to pay attention to how the water feel on your skin. It's all about finding what works for you."

The biggest and most practical benefits of practicing meditation or weaving moments of mindfulness into your day: You'll enjoy life more while managing the constant juggling act. "Practicing meditation and being more mindful allows you to be more present for your family, your job, your workout--everything."

Not quite sure how to do it? Our guide will get you started.

Try a mindful moment doing dishes. As you wash, focus on the warmth of the water, the smoothness of the dishes, the tickle of the suds.

Ready, Set, Focus
Meditation isn't about emptying your head of thoughts, it's about bringing focus to them. "When you realize your mind is wandering, that's the moment meditation starts to work its magic," Goldstein says. The process of noticing your thoughts drifting, and the effort you make to bring them back (without criticizing yourself), builds your inner patience and calm. That's why meditation is called a practice.

What's Your Meditation Type?

All forms of meditation work in a similar way: You choose something to focus on--your breath, an image--and when your mind wanders, you gently bring it back. The key is finding a style that works for you. Here's a snapshot of four types. Take your pick!

1.  Mindful meditation

In a nutshell: Mindfulness is about being aware of your thoughts, emotions, and environment in a nonjudgmental way; you're staying in the present and observing everything you're feeling and thinking. "Mindfulness is about accepting our feelings and thoughts as they are," says Michelle Becker, an instructor at the UC San Diego Center for Mindfulness.

How it works: You can do this anywhere: at home, in the office, on hold with customer service. Begin by focusing on your breath. Each time your mind drifts, bring your attention back. Don't criticize. Instead of thinking, I'm so bad at this, think, Ah, welcome back.

2.  Mantra meditation

In a nutshell: This technique involves choosing a mantra--typically a one- or two-styllable soud or word that you silently repeat to yourself. This allows you to be in a restful yet alert state, says Anjali Bhagra, M.D., associate professor of medicine and chair of Mayo Clinic's Integrative Medicine and Health program.

How it works: Sit in a comfortable position and begin silently repeating your word. "Om" is a popular one, but choose any word or sound that you like. As you become more practiced, you may make your mantra a quality you'd like to have more of: patience, compassion, joy.

3. Walking meditation

In a nutshell: This is basically an on-the-go form of mindful meditation, but instead of focusing your awareness on your breath, you're noticing the sensations of walking, says Becker, who suggests beginning by practicing in your backyard. Eventually, you can move to somewhere calm like a nature preserve, then start weaving it into your daily life: walking mindfully across the parking lot to your office, while shopping, or to meet a friend.

How it works: Start in a standing position, noticing how your feet feel. Do you feel pressure where your feet are in contact with the ground? Start walking, paying attention to how your weight shifts from one side of your body to the other. Notice how it feels as you lift your foot, place your heel down, prepare for your next step. Continue walking, and any time your mind wanders from focusing on how you're walking, gently bring it back.

4. Guiding meditation

In a nutshell: This is based on the theory that your body can respond to imagery as it would to a genuine experience. (Need proof? Imagine yourself sucking on a lemon right now.) Guided meditation typically uses a script to walk you through a relaxing, enjoyable scenario to promote calm.

How it works: With each breath, imagine yourself inhaling IN relation and exhaling OUT tension. As your body relaxes, picture yourself at the beach or another calming, pleasant place. Imagine the scene in detail, using all of your senses: Feel the sun's rays warming your skin and the sand between your toes; listen to the waves crashing; see the bright blue sky.

Try a mindful moment waiting in line. Silently repeat to yourself: "May the cashier by happy and at ease." It can help defuse an irritating situation.

Benefits of Prayer
When neuroscientist Andrew Newberg, M.D., author of How Enlightenment Changes Your Brain, asked nuns to pray while being monitored by a brain scanner, he noticed that the changes taking place were similar to those of seasoned meditators. If you pray regularly, you're likely already reaping benefits of meditation, including less anxiety and a sharpened sense of focus and calm. Likewise, people who meditate enjoy the science-backed advantages of prayer, such as decreased blood pressure and enhanced immune response.

Go from Om to Zzz
If your favorite part of yoga is the last five minutes when you drift into stillness and emerge feeling rejuvenated, then you'll probably love yoga nidra, or sleep meditation. In this guided meditation, a calming voice leads you from a waking to dreaming state and ultimately, into deep sleep. Don't be fooled by the name: Yoga nidra doesn't involve traditional asana poses, says Karen Brody, founder of the Bold Tranquility, a yoga nidra meditation company for women and author of the forthcoming book Daring to Rest. Yoga nidra can be an easy way to start exploring meditation because you can practice it when falling asleep or if you wake up in the middle of the night.

This Is How We Meditate
"I use a pair of high-quality, over-ear headphones to accompany my favorite guided mediation apps or ambient music. I use them nearly exclusively for meditation, so they feel distinctive in their purpose, and they help me have an immersive experience. When I see them, I'm subtly reminded to do my daily meditation practice." -Anastasia Alt, 27, founder of Dream Space

"I'm a working mom of a special needs child, and my life often feels hectic and filled with a million to-dos.  When a friend of mine urged me to try a meditation app, I was hesitant, but I tried it and was instantly hooked. Meditating makes me feel better about myself, which inspires me to make better choices for my family and myself. Now, I do the app's Commuting Meditation while taking the train to and from work, and I use the deep sleep meditations before bed. Bonus: My son likes to fall asleep to it, too." -Lisa Quinones-Fontanez, 40, blogger

"I'm a really active person, so sitting for any length of time is a challenge. Walking meditation is my thing. I do my best mediations running on the beach or hiking, and if I'm moved to sit, I plunk myself down in nature." -Tracy Barone, 53, author of Happy Family

Try a mindful moment brushing your teeth. Don't zone out. Focus on the circular, repetitive movement of the toothbrush and the taste of the toothpaste.

Kid Zone
Children are naturally good meditators; they're living very much in the moment. "Considering the overscheduled culture in which kids are growing up, it means a lot for them to be able to just stop and be calm without having to perform or be judged," explains Elina Snel, author of Sitting Still Like a Frog: Mindfulness Exercises for Kids.

Around age 5 is a good time to introduce meditation in a relaxed, simple way by encouraging kids to pay attention to their breath, Snel says. She recommends this basic exercise for kids and adults to do together.

Sit in a comfortable spot on the floor with legs crossed. Ask your child to place her right hand flat on the floor in front of her, fingers spread. (You do the same.) Begin by touching the base of your right thumb with a finger from the left hand, slowly moving up along the thumb while inhaling quietly, Once you've both reached the top of your thumbs, move slowly back down while Move on to the remaining fingers, inhaling as you move up and exhaling as you come back down. Repeat with the other hand.

The Good Kid Project: Confidence via Better Homes and Gardens

In our ever-competitive, social-media fueled world, it's easy to forget that confidence involves embracing your strengths and weaknesses, as well as developing a sense of self without being self-centered.

To lay the groundwork for kids to build their confidence, you have to show that you have faith in them. This involves giving age-appropriate responsibilities, and letting kids make--and figure out how to recover from--mistakes. Of course, children need your guidance along the way, so here's how you can create a nurturing environment that allows kids to discover and test their abilities.

Ditch Responsibilities

Accept your children for who they are, and don't compare them to other kids. If your child says, "I'm not good at...", emphasize that we're all better at some things than others, and the more you practice, the easier it gets. As I tell my girls, a world in which everyone were perfect would be pretty boring. Also, remind kids to enjoy the process of learning, rather than just honing in on the win or "getting it." When my daughter gets frustrated trying to figure out a math problem, I help her focus on the fun of the challenge, which takes some of the pressure off and enables her to persevere.

Mind Your P's and Q's

Kids pay close attention to what you say--about them, about friends and family, even about yourself. Beware of labels, and making announcements like "You're just shy" or "Sports aren't your thing." This can damage a child's sense of self, , discourage healthy risk-taking, and even become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Also make a real effort not to put yourself down in front of your child. If you do make a mistake, frame the situation empathetically and proactively ("I messed up; next time I will...") rather than judgmentally ("I'm so stupid").

Support Self-Expression

Encouraging children to convey both positive and negative feelings helps them tap into and control their emotions, which enables them to be articulate and to feel secure in their own thoughts and opinions--and that's what confidence is all about.

Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD.

The Good Kid Project: Self-Reliance via Better Homes and Gardens

Fostering independence is truly a balancing act: Children need--and want--rules to follow, but if we hover over their every move, we prevent them from developing a sense of trust in themselves, their judgment, and their ability to recover from mistakes. Teaching self-reliance involves giving kids firm guidelines, as well as the room to apply and even test them. Remember, it's normal for kids, especially teenagers, to challenge parents' authority: This is part of what helps them hone their decision-making skills. Use these strategies as a starting point.

Give Kids Responsibilities

Children of all ages can take on tasks that will help boost their sense of self-worth and autonomy. Younger kids can fold and put away laundry and help clear the dishes. As children move into their teens, they might mow the lawn, walk the dog, or even get an age-appropriate job. Involve kids in deciding on their duties, and be explicit about what's required; your idea of clean might not mirror theirs. Don't forget to establish clear-cut consequences for not finishing, and stick to them. You can give praise, but use it to prompt kids to take pride in their own hard work. For example, when my daughter cleans her room, I say, "Wow, how does spending time to organize your toys so well make you feel?"

Let Them Problem-Solve

Be a guide, not a "fixer," as your children confront challenges. Instead of just offering solutions, help them think things through by asking open-ended questions like, "What do you think would be a good way to handle that situation?" "How would that approach affect you, your friends, and family?" When things don't turn out the way a child envisioned, ask: "What went into your decisions? What might be a different tactic to try next time?"

Make Room for Mistakes

We're so afraid to let our kids fail, yet recovering from slip-ups, big and small, is a prime building block of self-reliance. Encourage healthy risk-taking, such as trying out for a new team or taking a challenging class, and reframe the concept of "failure" as a chance to learn and improve. Assure your children that their efforts, and how they bounce back, are what really matter.

Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD.

The Good Kid Project: Perspective via Better Homes and Gardens

During the tween and teen years, kids tend to be very "me"-focused, and this is completely normal. They're consumed with their own behavior and appearance, and they have a heightened sense of self-consciousness that can narrow their view of the world. Even so, there's a lot you can do to broaden their outlook.

Discuss Disappointments

Whether it's not making the team or getting a bad grade, setbacks can feel catastrophic. Rather than trying to minimize the situation, help your child analyze what happened, which will ultimately lead him to realize more opportunities will come down the road. Coach him by asking question like, "What can you do when things don't go your way?" and "How can you use this experience to help you grow?" And while you don't want to be accusatory or punitive, asking, "What could be some of the reasons this happened?" can help your child feel more in control. Prompting him to come up with the answers will develop his own perspective, as well as coping skills that he can draw on throughout life.

Spend Time Outside Your Circle

Encouraging children to interact with people from different cultures and vantage points is key to widening their frame of reference. Nurture relationships with relatives from various backgrounds, and have them share their stories with your children. You could also reach out to a cousin in the same age range who lives in a different town, or ask your child's school if it works with vetted organizations that can facilitate a pen-pal exchange. Let these experiences be jumping-off points for open conversations. The goal is to expose your child to people of various backgrounds so he can note how they might be different--but also similar.

Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD.

Family Bucket List via Real Simple

1. Volunteer together: Take a cue from your child's interests. If your child likes dogs, volunteer at an animal shelter. To search by interest, go to generationon.org for volunteering opportunities near you.

2. Watch all your old home movies

3. Kick the can: Games that put everyone on a level playing field, such as boccie ball, croquet, capture the flag, and kick the can. These games are customizable to age and ability. For more, go to bluearth.org.

4. Make a time capsule: Include the big stuff (artwork, school reports, notes to future selves) and the little (movie stubs, a printout of a Facebook page, a toy with its batteries removed so they don't corrode). Don't include technology that won't stand the test of time, and make sure to include a silica-gel packet. Store them in an archival box, and keep the box in a cool place. Don't bury it; everything will be soggy.

5. Plant something: Surefire plants such as zucchini, cherry tomatoes, and bush beans are the best options. Use a one-by-two foot self-watering planter, and let your cofarmer handle the watering and harvesting. You may pull out more of your fair share of weeds, but it may convince your children to eat a vegetable.

6. Run (or walk) a 5K

7. Get cooking: Teach your kids an old family recipe. Kneading dough is a great activity for kids who love Play-Doh.

8. Go to the movies and see a double feature

9. Create self-portraits: Insights into how your child views themselves. Preserve the results for future posterity.

10. Take a trip with just one child; no siblings allowed

11. Go camping

12. Explore your family tree: Turning genealogy into a game of detective can help them get excited about family history. They can make a cardstock tree or ancestor trading cards.

13. Visit the places where Mom and Dad grew up

14. Start a family book club: Choose stories that appeal to all ages, such as Roald Dahl. Even better if there is a movie version that you can watch when you are finished.

15. Go on a scavenger hunt: Clues that are open to interpretation are more fun for them and less competitive.

16. Make up a song

17. Take a stay-cation: Get day-trip ideas from your local tourism bureau, and take a break from responsibilities and chores.

18. Save up money and do something special with it

19. Build something: Step by step instructions from websites like builtbykids.com can help guide you. Keep the projects age appropriate, and be flexible with material choices.

20. Spend the weekend unplugged from TV's, computers, phones, and gaming devices.

21. Build a fort

Dinnertime Rules for Cooperative Eating via Real Simple

1. Say "thank you" before each meal and mention something nice that happened that day.
2. Try three bites before saying you don't like something.
3. Choose your own portions, within reason.
4. Once a week, kids plan the menu, giving them control over the meal.
5. Have the kids eat peas and carrots first.

Growing Lessons (Guidelines for Diet, Sleep, and Exercise) via Real Simple

1. Dehydration

Young children may not ask for a drink until they are very thirsty, which means they are already beginning to dehydrate. Make sure to offer water throughout the day. Symptoms of dehydration include light-headedness, nausea, and weakness. Younger children should drink about 32 oz. of water daily and older children should drink about twice as much.

2. Physical activity

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommend that kids and adolescents get at least 60 minutes of age-appropriate exercise daily. Playing outside, as opposed to concentrating on screens, can help decrease nearsightedness in children. Overtraining can be an issue in older kids that are participating in year-round sports. Fatigue, trouble sleeping, and a lack of motivation can be warning signs.

3. Diet

Very young children need more fat and calcium than adults do. Giving kids a variety of foods is the best way to insure they are getting the nutrients they need. Dairy and leafy greens are the best sources of calcium, and avocados, olive oil, and nuts are the best sources for fats.

4. Environmental toxins

Continued exposure to household chemicals and pollutants is especially bad for children. Issues like allergies and asthma are more prevalent in children who have greater exposure. Opt for non-toxic cleaners without harsh ingredients. Open windows whenever possible, not just when you are scrubbing the bathroom. Keeping your kids out of hair salons as much as possible is also helpful.

5. Sleep

Toddlers require about 12 to 14 hours a day (including naps), and kids ages 5 to 12 need 10 to 11. Don't sacrifice your toddler's naptime to run errands. Some questions to consider to reveal if your child is getting enough sleep:

    Does your child wake every morning at her regular time without your help?
    Is she alert throughout the day and in (relatively) good spirits?

Additionally, screen time before bed suppressed melatonin production in the brain and can't hurt your child's sleep.

How to Afford Collge for Your Children via Real Simple

Newborn to age 7:

    Once your emergency fund and long-term finances are on track, the best place to start saving for college is a state-sponsored 529 plan, a type of investment fund that allows your earnings to grow, tax-free, as long as you ultimately apply the money toward higher-education costs. What's more, your state may offer additional tax breaks, like a full or partial state-income-tax deduction on contributions. You can invest in any state's plan; fees and plan specifics (such as investment options and additional benefits) vary greatly. To compare, go to savingforcollege.com. Worth mentioning: Be sure to open a 529 account naming you (not your child) as the owner to minimize the impact on her financial aid eligibility and to make sure the funds are used according to your intentions.
    Of course, every parent wonders how much to save. And with years to go before college starts, there is really no way to know the amount that you will need. However, you can get a rough idea of how much you should stash away annually by using the college-savings calculator at finra.org. When making your allocations, put around 80% of your portfolio in riskier investments, like stocks, since you have more than 10 year before you will need the money. Then invest the remaining 20% in more conservative bonds.

Ages 8 to 14:

    No need to panic; there's still time to put aside cash. Try to set a minimum amount to save each month and stick to it, even if it's just $50. (If college is a decade away, you will have saved at least $6,000 by the first day of school.) And remember: any savings is better than none at all. Keep your portfolio only moderately risky, with about 25% invested in stocks and the rest in bonds.
    Now is also the time to start thinking about the major money decisions that you might be facing in the upcoming years. When awarding financial aid, universities calculate the family's annual finances starting on January 1 of the student's junior year in high school. So if you plan to withdraw money from a retirement account, sell a rental property, or sell a lot of stocks that would net capital gains, consider doing it soon so your profits will not factor into your child's aid eligibility.

Ages 15 and up:

    It's not too late to put money into a 529 plan if you can: invest 70% in bonds and 30% in cash. No extra cash? Don't divert money form your retirement account to your child's college fund. Your child can apply for aid, but there is no similar relief for retirees.
    Instead, devote your energy to seeking out financial aid opportunities. You won't be alone: two-thirds of students receive some assistance, according to the U.S. Department of Education. Be sure to fill out the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (fafsa.ed.gov), which makes your child eligible for hundreds of federal and state need-based grants and loans. This is also used by most schools to determine aid packages. Be prepared to fill out additional applications for some schools. It's also worth calling the financial aid office at each college and asking about specific merit-based scholarships (for athletics, academics, and the arts). Look for additional scholarships that are not specific to one school at bigfuture.org or scholarships.com.
    If your child has already been accepted to a university and you have applied for assistance but received less than expected or were denied, call the school's financial aid office and ask for a reassessment. The amount of aid could increase if your situation has changed (say, you lost your job) or if you have a costly burden that is not easy to explain in a form, such as caring for an elderly parent. Say, "Recently, my financial situation changed. Here's what's happened," and present your case. Also mention if you've been offered a better aid package from a rival school. If your child is viewed as "highly desirable," the school may pony up more assistance.

10 Ways to Get Great Photos of Your Kids via Real Simple

Turn off your flash

The pros think most point-and-shoot flashes are lousy. Turn it off and pump up the ISO setting (the amount of light the lens allows in). Set it between 1,600 and 3,200; play around to see what works best in your environment.

Stuck inside? Get to a window

You'll get your best shots outside. But, if you're indoors, try to situate everyone next to a window for a soft, natural light. Beware of lamps: They often create yellow "hot spots" in photos.

"Yes" is the new "cheese"

It's more of a natural word for kids to shout, and it's a surefire way to get big smiles.

Embrace the chaos

Capture the unfiltered moments. They'll be better reminders of this time in your life than a perfectly styled portrait. The most compelling photos usually have an element of unvarnished truth-even if that means a cranky, crying, pantsless three-year-old. (That image will make everyone smile one day.)

Fill up the frame

Resist the urge to put that little face in the exact center, leaving an empty expanse above it. Let your child fill the frame so the focus stays on him.

Photograph them doing what they love to do

Or eating what they love to eat. Toy trucks and mac and cheese can be the greatest photo props ever.

The sun is your enemy

Unless you want to see a bunch of squinty eyes, head for shade. Cloudy days are actually the best; the filtered light makes everyone look good. A bright sun is never flattering.

Turn them to face the light

If may sound counterintuitive, but if you're going to take a photo in the full sun, have your kids try to face it. Try to keep the sun over one of your shoulders. This position will cast light across your subjects; faces in a more pleasing way.

Take inspiration from old photos

Think of memorable shots from your own childhood. You know that beloved one of you and your siblings at the lake? Re-create the moment with your own kids and frame the two side by side on a shelf.

Quit zooming

Move in closer, getting down to the kid's eye level. Your photos will feel more intimate.

The Good Kid Project: Taking Responsibility via Better Homes and Gardens

Question:
My son's room is always a mess. How can I get him to be more responsible with his stuff?


Answer:
It might be tempting to throw your hands up at the messiness, but helping kids develop--and stick to--the habit of being organized is beneficial on many levels. Clutter can cause stress, so having a tidy room can increase productivity and help with academics; he'll be better able to find and focus on his homework. When you're setting guidelines, talk about these bigger-picture benefits: The responsibility he takes over his room will help him now at school, in the long run at work, and in life overall.


Start by letting your child know exactly what you expect. Clean to you might mean "all the clothes in the closet or hamper," but to him it might simply mean "everything off the floor." Most kids won't keep things 100% orderly, so consider what's necessary versus what would be nice. You could set the minimum standard, then shut his door if that drives you crazy.


Once guidelines are clear, set a time frame--perhaps  that all clothes are put away by the time he goes to bed. And establish meaningful consequences. One good strategy: allowing screen time only after his room is clean. If he falls short, stick to the consequences, as that's the only way your child will take your standards seriously.

The Good Kid Project: Extracurricular Choices via Better Homes and Gardens

Question: After playing just tree trumpet lessons, my son wants to quit--but playing an instrument is such a good thing. Do I push him to stick with it?


Answer:
While it's true that learning an instrument is good for brain development and can help kids do well in school, they only get the benefits if they're engaged and willing participants.


Some kids need a little push to stay the course, then they get in the groove of playing music; others are just not interested. Tell your son he has to continue the lessons for a set time. To help decide whether he should quit after that, get some intel about why he wants to stop. A good start: Ask what he doesn't like about the trumpet. Is he frustrated because he doesn't think he's good? If so, you can talk about having fun instead of trying to be the best. If he's bored, maybe he can choose the songs he learns, switch teachers, or even try another instrument.. Once the time is up and you've tried to make it enjoyable, if your son still isn't into it, discuss next steps and possible replacement activities..


When deciding whether to let a child stop an activity, think about the "why"--on your end and his. If he truly doesn't want to continue, then there's no real upside to forcing him. Also consider: Are your interests or his at play? Were you hoping music would become your child's career? Extracurriculars are a beneficial part of a child's education; my strategy is to let kids choose one or two themselves. If the activities change, that's OK--trying different things helps kids find their true passions. We want to give kids every advantage, but we have to balance our own desires with theirs.


Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD

The Good Kid Project: Making the Grade via Better Homes and Gardens

Question: My child is having troubles in school, but is so frustrated that she doesn't want to study. How can I help?


Answer:
While it can certainly be difficult to watch your child struggle, this is also a great chance to nurture important life skills, such as perseverance and stress management. Resist the urge to hire a tutor right away, and brainstorm with your child how she can navigate the situation and improve. Because she's already frustrated, take an empathetic approach: Talk about how hard it is to struggle in a particular subject (maybe you have a similar experience to share) and how it's not an all-or-nothing deal. Just because a certain subject isn't coming easily--or even if she gets a failing grade--that doesn't mean she's a failure. The goal isn't just to get a better grade, but to help her learn to problem-solve.
Reframe the situation as a puzzle she can figure out.
The next step is to discuss how she can budget her time and energy to put in the extra work. Talk to the teacher for pointers to support and guide your child's efforts. For example, when it comes to homework, it might be best to tackle the difficult subject first, when her focus is fresh. Or she could try exercising or listening to music to relax before she jumps into her studies.
A tutor should come into play only after you've tried your own plan for a set time, which you can discuss with the teacher. Defaulting to outside help sends your child the message that she can't do this on her own, when she might very well be able to. Working through a setback will give her the confidence to take on other challenges that come her way.
Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD

Ten Best Beaches via Better Homes and Gardens

1. South Padre Island, Texas


Padre has miles of open sand for walking, horseback riding, and, of course, swimming. They city calls itself the Sandcastle Capital of the World, and when you see the creations on display, you'll understand. You can even take lessons, bucket not required.


2. Cannon Beach, Oregon


Walk the scenic oceanfront and marvel at 235-foot Haystack Rock. Do a little horseback riding on the beach, then head to town for culture at the art galleries and community theater. If you have pets in tow, try Surfsand Resort, where rooms come with doggie welcome baskets and pet beds. A kids' club looks after your two-legged companions as well.


3. Myrtle Beach, South Carolina


The ocean is just the sip of the sand dune at Myrtle Beach, which boasts nearly 100 golf courses (and close to as many mini golf greens), live entertainment, and family-friendly boardwalk. At Brookgreen Gardens you can observe local wildlife like alligators and osprey from a pontoon boat, then roam the sculpture garden.


4. Avila Beach, California


Don't miss Friday nights, when this laidback beach town bustles with a farmers and fish market, sack races, and volleyball. For a change from a beach motel, try Sycamore Mineral Springs Resort, with hillside hot tubs and easy access to a hiking trail that leads to the beach.


5. Gulf Shores and Orange Beach, Alabama


With fishing, nature trails, bird-watching, and Gulf views from the Hummingbird zip line at Gulf State Park, there's no lack of activities. But don't get so busy that you forget to take in the sugar-white sand and turquoise water.


6. Hampton Beach, New Hampshire


This 3-mile stretch of New England shoreline offers relaxing family fun with a boardwalk and parasailing. Learn more about marine wildlife at the Blue Ocean Discovery Center, then head over to the pier to catch a classic New England fishing charter or whale-watching excursion.


7. Sleeping Bear Dunes, Michigan


At this national park on Lake Michigan, you'll find 65 miles of shoreline where families can swim, bike, and race down the dunes--which tower higher than a 40-story building. Spend time at the Coast Guard Station Maritime Museum, then take a 20-minute ferry ride to explore the shipwrecks of South Manitou Island.


8. Duck, North Carolina


This tiny Outer Banks town is a true getaway: With few commercial distractions, your family can while away the days boogie-boarding, shell-collecting, and kite-flying. Take a beach stroll; you'll probably catch a glimpse of wild horses.


9. The Wildwoods, New Jersey


From 1950's mod-style hotels to boardwalk custard stands and amusement arcades, this classic Jersey shore town packs a lot into its 5 miles. Take the kids crabbing and show them your skee-ball prowess, then dance the night away at an evening concert.


10. Delray Beach, Florida


For the kids: 2 miles of wide-open sand and an oceanfront playground. For you walkable Atlantic Avenue with galleries, shops, and restaurants. Base your trip at the historic Colony Hotel and Cabana Club, which offers old Florida charm and access to their private beach club and saltwater pool.

Ten Best National Parks via Better Homes and Gardens

1. Canyon de Chelly, Arizona


Navajo legends come to life in a red rock canyon that you can explore in a four-wheel drive vehicle with a Native American guide. Look for ancient cliff dwellings, rock paintings, and Spider Rock, an 800-foot sacred sandstone tower. Back at the park's hotel, try local fare like fry bread tacos and blue corn pancakes.


2. Isle Royale, Michigan


The adventure starts with your ferry or seaplane trip out to these islands in the northwest corner of Lake Superior. Once there, you'll find 165 miles of hiking trails and boating routes; catch your winks by camping or staying at the park lodge or cabins.


3. Great Basin, Nevada


A mountain peak topping 12,000 feet and a cave tour revealing rare marble formations are the highlights of this park near the Nevada-Utah border. Another can't miss: breathtakingly clear night sky views of planets and the Milky Way.


4. North Cascades, Washington


Accessible by car or ferry, this gem (120 miles from Seattle) offers views of 300+ glaciers--more than in Glacier National Park. Even while hiking, you can't help but relax surrounded by waterfalls and alpine meadows. Kids (ages 3 and up) can complete the Junior Ranger program.


5. Badlands, South Dakota


Prehistoric animals once roamed this otherworldly landscape of soaring pinnacles and twisting valleys, a few years ago a 7-year-old found a quarry of saber-toothed tiger skulls. Now the park is home to bison and prairie dogs.


6. Cuyahoga Valley, Ohio


Hike or bike along the historic path of the Ohio & Erie Canal and catch a glimpse of beavers, bald eagles, and great blue herons. Do a little family fishing at the catch-and-release ponds and rivers, then get the whole crew involved in EarthCaching, a treasure hunt using the GPS on your smartphone.


7. Redwood, California


Surf and turf are on offer in this remote Northern California spot: Beachcomb on 40 miles of oceanfront, then head inland to see the world's largest trees as well as herds of majestic Roosevelt elk, which nearly went extinct last century.


8. Zion, Utah


It's easy to drink in the scenery of this red rock canyon while hiking or on horseback. The more athletic and adventurous (minus young kids) can try the Narrows canyon, where you make your way though the Virgin River, or Angel's Landing trail, which runs along a narrow rock, leading to a pinnacle that juts out over the park.


9. Congaree, South Carolina


This Southern, sometimes swampy, home to herons and otters is easily observed from a boardwalk trail stretching more than 2 miles. Or head deeper into the wilderness on a ranger-led canoe tour; you might have an alligator sighting.


10. Great Sand Dunes and Preserve, Colorado


The amazing 75-story dunes (which accumulated over the past 444,000 years) are more than just a sight to see. Rent a sand board or sled to ride the hills, or stage a family footrace down the ever-shifting drifts. Afterward, take a 10-minute drive to Zapata Falls and rinse the dust off.

Comfort and Joy via Good Housekeeping

When children are small, they always greet their parents with enthusiasm and cry when they leave. As they get older, they begin to feel indifferent toward the comings and goings of their parents. Similarly, husbands and wives who have been married longer slowly and surely stop kissing each other when they walk in the door.

Hug more, kiss more, touch more. This resolution doesn't require any addition time, energy, or money, yet it makes a difference in the atmosphere of your home. It makes each person feel more loved. When that resolution is applied to coming home, each person is welcomed and acknowledged when they return to the ones they love. However, everyone has to participate.

"Anytime one of us comes home or is leaving, we have to pay attention to that person for a minute. Let's give warm greetings and farewells." This was the resolution. "We've fallen into some bad habits of not paying attention, and it's important to show affection for each other. It's hard to be interrupted in the middle of something, but this is important."

Surprisingly, without much nagging or resentment, this can happen. It can create small moments of real connection between family members. It feels like a natural thing to do, and the more you do it, the more it becomes a habit. Studies have shown that we are more likely to feel connected to family members that express emotions than ones who do not. By acting in a loving way, we prompt loving feelings within ourselves. We show more love and feel more love.

The Demise of Guys (Philip Zimbardo)

Issues with young men today:

• Refusing responsibilities
• Not seeking to be breadwinners
• Idle time spent unwisely
• Growing up in isolation (time spent gaming)
• No role models (fatherlessness)
• Learning about sex from pornography
• Exposure to video games at a young age changes brain
• Not seeking post-secondary educations

What to do:

• Positive role models
• Having conversations about healthy sex
• Monitoring leisure time, emphasizing recreational activities and social experiences

Teaching Children About Money

• Children need to understand delayed gratification and the concept of fleeting joy vs. lasting joy
• Teach them about needs vs. wants and the importance of priorities
• Children need to learn the importance of work, which will help them better understand the value of money
• Help them understand debt the the toll it can take on them and their futures
• Make sure you model charitable giving for your children and let them participate 
• Three savings systems - saving, spending, and giving
• Make allowances consistent, monitor what they're doing and what you're paying 
• Use media messages and ads as teaching opportunities
• Be good money-managing parents and let them see parts of your budgeting
• Let them see you being frugal by involving them with saving, comparison shopping, and bargain shopping. You can't teach your child to save if you don't save or give if you don't give.
• Children also need to be familiarized with the concept of contentment. Keeping your child's desires and expectations in check is key. The culture of America is "bigger and better," but that is not how living frugally looks. Children will want to compare their lives and possessions to their friends'. Advertising also creates discontentment. Most importantly, your own impulse buying and complaining will be what they see and model the most.